May 15, 2013

This summer

This summer has been incredibly busy for me, and I haven't had much time to do much fun stuff!!! I haven't had much time to do anything on xanga, besides read some here and there, and comment every great once in awhile, but as for writing..... that kinda fell by the wayside!!!

 Anyway, I am not doing paper route anymore, at this time. Another major newspaper in the area, took over the distribution of the two papers I was doing, and they already had their carrier in my area, so I decided to just stop, rather then go to a new area, and learn new routes, etc.

 It's been about a week now since my last day of delivery, and I am enjoying sleeping 'normal' sleeping hours, and staying up late, if I feel like it, and all kinds of things like that!!! Alot of people on my routes were NOT happy to have me stop, and they said they want me back!! I don't know if that will happen or not, but for now... I'm happy living a more 'normal' life again!!

I have gone through so many emotions and feelings the last year, and even this summer!! I have felt my heart go through alot of feelings of healing, yet I know I have a LONG way to go yet!!! It has been hard too, because we go to a different church, then what we had been going to, for the last 16 years or so. In the midst of God doing a healing work in my heart, I have still felt incredible loneliness, and feeling like I don't belong anywhere!! It isn't that I am wishing to go back to where we were, or anything like that... it's just part of trying to find my 'place' in life, and in my church, and in my surroundings. I can struggle with feeling like I don't 'fit in' anywhere, and my friends that I was closest to, moved away. I miss them soooo terribly much, and LONG to have them move back again!!! But I know that they are living where they feel God wants them. It's just something I have to learn to trust Him with it all. Doing the paper route only increased these feelings!!! My already lonely life, got much lonelier when I started doing the route, because I had to go to bed early, so it cut out alot of things that would happen in the evenings! I knew I needed to do it for a time, to help me get out of debt, but it was like I was 'cutting off my arm' in the process!! My one friend that I talk to ALOT in the evenings...

well, that had to stop, because I had to get to bed!! So, we had to try to make time in the daytime, when neither one of us was working or doing some other project!! So that meant that we couldn't talk as much or talk things out like we had before, due to time and other things always going on! That hurt so badly!!! While I was thankful to get out of debt more, it was like I had to pay the price in some other way!! Another friend, that I was just beginning to learn to know a little bit, and we had gone out for coffee one time,... well, it was like I wasn't able to do much about that anymore either!!! So anyway... I don't mean this as a huge sob story, but more to just open up my heart alittle, and let you know some of the things going on in my heart and life!! I'm not really sure where to start and stop, but in saying all that I am, I don't want you to think that I have it bad and so horrible, because I have ALOT to be thankful for too!!! For one thing, I was able to get alot of personal debt paid off!!! yay!!!!! I have alot more to go, but I hope the worst is behind me!!! It's going to be harder to pay off the rest though, without the extra side income coming in to go just for debt reduction!! But with God all things are possible, right?

Posted by: smilele at 02:16 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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